Seal my sins
by CentaursAndSneaks
Summary: AU-ish Brian and Olivia have been married for around a year. They've just gone through something totally heartbreaking and its left Olivia devastated and a wreck. As Brian tries to pick up the pieces he and Olivia are faced with the possibility that their loss might not have been an accident.
1. Chapter 1

**Constructive criticism is welcome; I'm looking to improve so any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!**

**Italic paragraphs are memories or an event from the past.**

Olivia Benson sat on the edge of her bed passing the minutes reminiscing over times gone by. The years she'd spent with Brian Cassidy were the happiest of her life, yet she couldn't help but blame herself for everything that had happened in the past few weeks. She'd hoped that they would recover from this and return to normal as quickly as they could; however, it was her who was halting the process that she'd so desperately wanted to go by quickly.

The chemistry between them had been undeniable from the very start; she'd known from the moment they'd met that he was special. The irony that everything had fallen apart just as she was supposed to be happiest, made it even harder to know that Brian loved her more than ever and she was only making things difficult, and that the only person she could blame for the downward spiral of their relationship, was herself. She couldn't handle what had happened and she was taking it out on them. She could never forgive herself.

She was brought from her reverie by Brian's voice coming from downstairs, "Liv, are you coming back down? I think it's time we talked about this, babe." She stood slowly and sniffed, attempting to regain some normalcy as she quickly swiped at a stray tear that was rolling down her cheek. She'd been in a state more often than not when he'd actually seen her recently and she was determined to at least _appear_ strong for him tonight.

As she walked from the bedroom and along the hallway that led to the stairs, she thought of how lonely the house felt despite sharing it with Brian, and how lonely she felt despite being married to him. They'd been sleeping in separate bedrooms for around a month now and hadn't had sex since before she'd returned from the hospital. It hurt her to know that he was as unhappy as she was.

Try as she may, she'd just never imagined herself living in the suburbs, but when Brian had suggested giving up their apartment and buying a house together so they'd have enough room to start a family, she couldn't agree quickly enough. However, she was so caught up in her job and everything but their own needs, that she had pushed him away and consequently, he'd pushed her further. So when the time came that she needed him, he was too far to reach so she had struggled on her own until it got too much for her to handle.

"_Liv, you up there? I made tea?" He said casually, over the past few weeks he'd gotten accustomed to seeing less of her; he was quite used to finding her asleep fully clothed, resting on the couch in their bedroom. She'd sit there just staring out of the window until she drifted away. But hey, at least she was sleeping, right?_

_Just as he was about to walk back into the kitchen, he heard a muffled scream followed by sharp deep breaths coming from the bedroom upstairs. Brian immediately dropped the towel he had been holding and raced up the stairs to see what had happened._

_He jogged warily into the bedroom he and Olivia shared, only to see Olivia sat at the top of the bed with her knees pulled up tight to her chest, her whole body was shaking with the force of the breaths she was taking in. Brian could do nothing to calm her, everything he tried was futile. He simply held her and tucked her head under his chin whilst whispering comforts into her hair. _

_His comfort eventually helped her to calm her hyperventilating breaths. "Liv, sweetheart, talk to me. You're scaring me, let me help." Brian said turning her face towards his as he whispered his words._

"_I know you're hurting but it's not going to get better unless you let me help."_

"_It's all my fault… I… you blame me don't you? It's okay; I wouldn't blame you if you did." His whole body felt as though it had been crushed, her words had just destroyed him. She thought he could blame her, even if he could he still wouldn't. It terrified him to no end._

"_I'm sorry Bri, I'm so, so sorry." She whimpered into his chest grasping at his t shirt for dear life._

Brian shouted again, louder this time in case she hadn't heard him. "Liv, Liv? You okay up there?"

"Yeah… yeah I'm… I'm good", she lied, swallowing her tears and heading downstairs. Telling herself that was about the only that got her through the day. She slowly descended the stairs to Brian and smiled at him weakly.

He could tell when something was off with her; after all he'd been with her long enough to gauge her emotions pretty well, and she'd been acting like this ever since she had lost the baby. Although, he couldn't really blame her, he was in pieces himself and couldn't even begin to imagine how this must feel for her.

She tried to slip passed him without meeting his eyes, she couldn't bare the sympathy they poured at her. He knew what her plan was, and he was tired of being shoved away by her saying 'later' or 'please, Bri'. He just wanted his wife back. That's when he decided he wasn't going to let her self-destruct anymore; he loved her too much and couldn't bear to witness to her pain for any longer without doing something about it. He reached his hand out and gently caught hold of her upper arm.

"Olivia, stop."

She stiffened at his touch and choked out, "Bri, please, not now".

"No, babe now. We need to do this now, you've been putting this off for weeks and everything's falling apart because of it."

"Me? I've been putting this off? Of course I've been fucking putting it off Brian; it's not something I want to talk about!" She said incredulously, turning to face him whilst simultaneously pulling her arm from his grasp. "And you're blaming me, is that it, it's entirely my fault that our marriage is going downhill so quickly? Of course it is," she paused, "I mean it was me who killed our baby, right?" Her voice rose so that she was nearly shouting but in the end it had cracked into a heart breaking whimper as she mentioned their baby.

Her temper had risen so unexpectedly that Brian was unsure of how to handle her but hearing her words broke him and at that time he wanted to do nothing more than embrace her and tell her everything was fine. But he knew everything wasn't fine, he knew that this couldn't be ignored for any longer and he knew it was now that everything needed to come out.

She'd never once been so vocal about her feelings towards the miscarriage, bar once when she'd finally cracked, her gut wrenching sobs in the hospital and those times during the middle of the night, when she thought he couldn't hear her. As soon as she was home from the hospital she'd shut him out completely, locking herself off in their bedroom. He'd mistakenly thought that it was just the initial shock that it was her coping mechanism to act this way, but once he'd realised, he'd felt like it was too late. He thought his only resort to fix things was to force her to tell him how she felt.

"Liv, seriously, don't be ridiculous. You did not kill our baby!" He gasped out, exasperated, "how can you even think that?" He lifted his hands so as to grasp the hands she was wringing between them. She flinched when he tried to touch her and stepped back.

"Please, no don't, Bri don't… just, please. I…I... I just can't bare your sympathy right now, I know you love me, Bri, but right now I can't seem to hold myself together and you holding me would make this whole thing so real." She smiled the saddest smile he'd even seen and then let out a breath, as the sobs that had begun to wrack her body increased and her breathing became laboured as she gasped for air.

"Liv, clam down. You need to breathe!" Brian was scared, he'd never seen her in such a state before, she'd always been one to keep her resolve in even the most difficult of times. This had clearly affected her more than he'd realised.

"I _can't_ breathe, don't you see? Its crushing me, Brian, I can't even… I don't know… "She sobbed harder than ever. "Help me Bri, please." She took in a ragged breath and continued weakly. "I know what happened, I don't want to talk about it but I know I need to. I felt it and I can still feel it Bri and it still hurts. Haven't I been through enough? " She pulled her hands up to her chest and placed them over her heart, as tears rolled steadily down her cheeks.

"I feel it here." She grabbed his hands and placed them over her heart, letting out a quick sharp breath she covered them with her own small hands and pressed down lightly so he could feel the fast beating for himself. She closed her eyes shaking her head. "My baby, our baby Bri, it feels as though a piece of my heart has been ripped from my chest, all I can think of is how I'll never get to meet her, how I'll never get to see her smile, and that hurts so, so much. I just don't want to think about it but I can't not because if I do then it's like I'm trying to forget about her! It's like I'm trying to make out as if she never existed. It's a vicious circle and its tearing me apart!" She cried, and then buried her face into her hands and let out such emotion that she could barely breathe as she opened her eyes again. "I should have been able to protect her, and I couldn't. My body was supposed to care for her and it failed, I failed." She sobbed hard. Her face showing such distress whilst Brian just stared at her as tears fell down his face.

She took another step backward and pressed herself into the corner at the bottom of the stairs.

She was hurting so much more than he realised and so much more than him. He didn't know how. He couldn't fathom how she was still breathing through so much pain.

Brian stood there, watching her break, shocked. She'd never spoken to him about any of this; he hadn't known how she'd felt. If he did, he wouldn't have waited for so long. He always knew she was in pain but had just assumed that she would work through it herself, she didn't normally let people in and he didn't want to push her. That was his reasoning.

His eyes were shining with more unshed tears but he held them back for her sake. "Sweetheart," he began, lifting his hands up to her shoulders, running them up and down her arms. He couldn't allow her to keep blaming herself so tried to make her believe the truth coming from his lips. "Liv, Olivia, listen to me, this is real and we're going to have to accept that, I'm sorry, but we have to babe, It's not going to be easy and I'm sorry it took me so long to talk to you," he said trying to remain strong despite his soul having just been ripped in two by the pain and suffering he could see in her eyes.

She was so vulnerable. So exposed, and so damaged.

She looked up into his eyes and let out a breath. She suddenly felt weak from her outburst and slid unceremoniously down the wall and on to the floor. She put her head on to her knees and cried insistently, her body shaking with the force of her sobs.

"Olivia" Brian said with so much sympathy, as he turned and slid down the wall to sit next to her. He lifted up his arms and encased her in them, pulling her into him while he kissed the top of her head soothingly. She looked up at him with puffy eyes, tears still rolling down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, "I'm so sorry."

"Liv, babe, stop it and listen to me, please, just hear me out. This," He gestured between them. "What happened, none of it was your fault. You can't blame yourself for wanting to go out, being pregnant is not an illness, and no one expected you to become a recluse. It was an accident, I was there, I saw. You have to believe me Liv. Please."

She turned her head up to look at him, scared of looking into his eyes and seeing hatred. What she saw instead was something entirely different. She saw nothing more than his love, his love and acceptance for her. As she let out a ragged breath he leaned his head down so that they were resting forehead to forehead. He then placed his warm hand against her flat stomach, and she swallowed the lump in her throat hard, placing her own over the top of his. Brian never broke eye contact with her until she whimpered and looked down at his hand against her stomach longingly.

"Hey," he whispered, when she didn't respond he repeated himself, but softer and brought his free hand up to her chin, tilting it until she was looking him directly in the eye. "Just give it some time; we'll try again my love." He smiled stroking her lips with his thumb. "You know, babe, you don't have to do this alone, I love you, I'm here, I am here and I'm not going anywhere so don't try to push me away. Okay?"

"Okay." She replied gratefully as she landed a chaste but none the less passionate kiss onto his lips.

Brian sighed and pulled her into him once again, thinking to himself silently as he rocked her comfortingly. Even as they sat there, on the floor of their hallway just behind the front door to their house, he couldn't help but think about that day in his mind.

**Don't forget to review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry for the delay but its exam month and I need to revise for this stuff! But, I will try to get new chapters up as soon as I can, thanks!**

**This is a flashback chapter! **

_They'd been in the shopping mall for over 3 hours looking for a birthday present to buy Olivia's niece but they just couldn't seem to find anything right for her. Shopping was one thing both Brian and Olivia agreed was ridiculously overrated and tedious, except of course when it came to baby shopping, then there was no stopping them. Olivia was the happiest she'd been in a long time and it was clear to Brian why._

_Olivia was 14 weeks pregnant, but had insisted to Brian that she wanted to keep it under wraps for as long as she could. He understood though, she'd longed for a baby since before he could remember and didn't want to jinx their chances._

_After spending all day on her feet, Olivia was starting to feel the toll of wearing high heeled shoes. Considering they'd left the house just after nine to run errands and it had just turned four, Olivia was spent, all she wanted was to do now was take a long soak in the bath with Brian and then relax on the sofa with takeout. However, they'd both agreed that they would grab something to eat before they left instead; after all it wasn't healthy for the baby or Olivia to go any longer without eating, she'd still order Chinese when she got home though._

_Olivia held on to Brian's arm as they walked toward the escalators, his warmth radiated through her and wrapped her like a blanket in the feeling of complete safety._

"_Thank you," she whispered tenderly into his ear making him turn his head toward her and smile._

"_What for? It's me who should be thanking you." He replied genuinely, stopping by the steps and turning towards Olivia. He placed one hand on her barely rounded stomach and the other at the base of her back; he smiled as he pulled her in and landed a soft kiss on her forehead._

"_I don't know, just for being you, I suppose. I don't know what I'd do without you, Bri" she whispered. He kissed her again, only this time on the lips. "Come on then you," he said, "I bet you're starving." She smiled and rested her head on his shoulder as they set off walking again._

_They were on their way to a small Italian restaurant in the corner of the mall; Olivia knew the owner from her school days and thought they could have a catch up as well as some food. As they rounded the corner to the empty escalator stair case, Olivia noted how busy it was going into the main square of the mall. Why we chose to go out on a Saturday I'll never know, she thought, sighing to herself._

_It was the loud music that made Olivia jump, she turned quickly unlinking Brian to see what was going on just behind them. She could make out a music store in the distance that looked to have a very loud speaker system for sale. She'd never understand the benefit of having music that loud._

_Brian stepped onto the escalator just in front of her and called for her to follow him when he realised she'd stopped. Olivia shook herself from her reverie, surprised at the distance of Brian. She stumbled forward in an attempt to get to Brian when she noticed the crowd that had started to form around them._

_She tripped. She knew not what on but only that she couldn't stop herself from falling. She yelped as she tried to grasp for Brian's hand, clasping nothing but thin air as she headed down the steep escalator stairs._

_Too late._

_Before she knew it she was tumbling down the escalator steps, crashing unceremoniously towards the floor beneath her. Her mind flashing as she tried in vain to wrap her arms around her head and stomach. It was only when she hit the floor, hard, that she became aware of the situation and a deep voice shouting inaudible words in her direction. She didn't move, or at least she couldn't. She was shocked to find herself lying flat on the cold hard floor of a shopping centre._

_Brian couldn't believe his eyes; he didn't know what to do. How had she even fallen, she'd been just beside him, holding his arm seconds prior._

_His senses kicked in when he saw her hit the floor at the bottom of the moving steps. He screamed, breathless just from having watched. He couldn't breathe. Olivia lay lifeless on the floor just a few feet in front of him. Whilst he raced down to the bottom of the steps his mind screamed at him thinking all sorts of scenarios for him, he reached her side in record time kneeling by her side and pulling her up over his legs._

_She was clearly injured but he just hoped to god that she and the baby would recover. As he held her just staring down into her face, people started to gather around them like spectators at a show. This made Brian regain awareness though; he remembered where he was and what had just happened as he felt Olivia shift weakly in his arms. He found his shaking voice again as he tried to bring her round to consciousness. "Liv? Liv please!" He shook her gently, not wanting to hurt her further but needing to hear her voice. Olivia sat up shakily and looked at Brian, "it's alright," she whispered, "I think, I think I'm okay." Brian sighed in relief, even as he heard her breathless whispers. "Babe, don't move, we'll get you to a hospital soon, okay?" Brian could barely comprehend what had just happened as he gasped terrified, pleading to his wife. _

"_She's pregnant! Someone call 911!" Brian pleaded with the crowd surrounding them._

_Suddenly and without warning, Olivia keeled forward in pain. She muffled her strangled scream with her hand as a slight pain in her abdomen intensified massively. "Oh god," Olivia moaned agonisingly as she clung desperately to her stomach._

_Shit, Brian thought. What's wrong, what about the baby? God, please no. She just said she was fine, what changed?_

_The wide-eyed spectators around them looked on in horror at the scene in front of them. A few on the phone to what Brian could only guess were 911 operators. He prayed that they weren't far away; he knew without a doubt that he couldn't live without Olivia._

_The pain was immense and it wasn't subsiding; Olivia knew something was wrong and thought she'd pass out if the pain continued. "Bri, the baby - oh pl-" Olivia cringed and groaned as another sudden pain ripped through her stomach, hot tears cascading down her cheeks. She couldn't breathe. She felt as though she was being ripped in two._

_She whimpered quietly then gasped and stared wide-eyed at Brian. She was terrified; he could tell by the look in her eyes and he was fairly certain it was reflected back in his own._

_Brian placed his warm hand over hers on the flat of her stomach whispering incoherent sentences into her hair as he kissed her temple softly. The cramping he could feel as she whimpered short rasping breaths told him nothing good. It was when Olivia started hyperventilating that he looked up again, she was gasping in mouthfuls of air as she grasped at his hand hysterically. She looked at Brian terrified and obviously pained, once he saw what she was panicking over his heart fell to the pit of his stomach and he cradled her left hand to his chest._

_She had pulled her right up from between her legs to find it covered in blood. She could see that her jeans were red and she felt the bile rise up in her throat._

"_Brian, wha-" Olivia's panting whisper carried shakily to his ears when she spoke. He couldn't move, he just stared at her hand in shock. Pulling her other hand up to his lips he kissed each of her fingers gently, hovering slightly over the shining rings she had fitting her third finger. "Baby, I… it's… uh. The ambulance is coming babe, just uh, god Liv baby, please." He didn't know what to say to her, he didn't know what was going to happen; he was scared out of his mind, and so was she…_

**Sorry. The cliff hanger is mean but there'll always be another chapter so…**

**I am going to cover how she found out she was pregnant but its exam month and shits crazy right now so I'll try to get it up as soon as I can. Thanks and don't forget to review!**


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